Mind the Gap

I am beginning to believe that the United Kingdom is inhabited by mindless idiots. Or is it just that those running it believe it to be. Or is it?

(I think the BNP might argue the UK is being stuffed full of idiots, but that is an entirely different matter.)

When I return to the UK and hop onto a tube, a bus, a train, I feel my stress levels rise rapidly, sometimes to the extent that I worry steam might be coming out of my ears. It is simply impossible to relax on a train, for example. Public transport in the UK is undeniably linked to social class in the majority of cases, to a much greater extent that in other European countries, such as France, Spain and definitely Switzerland. So if you are not a fan of those groups of louder than average Elizabeth Duke jewelled Everton supporters, then trains are certainly not for you.

What bothers me more is the treatment you get, as a paying passenger, from the tannoy. Mind the Gap. They don't put similar signs up on limestone pavements in Yorkshire, and really, you have to be an ejjit not to mind the gap, but really, does it need to be announced every second minute, several decibels outside of your comfort level?

We are approaching Diss. If you are leaving the train at Diss, please take care to take all your belongings with you. (Oh no we're not approaching Diss, we have to wait outside the station for ten minutes while the driver of the train (that was supposed to have made a space for us at Diss station) takes a leak.) It is notable that there is often a pause between the announcement that the train is approaching the station and the name of the town itself, while the train driver wipes his Upper Crust sandwich crumbs from his daily script and attempts to pronounce the town name, making sure to drop all 'h' and 't's so that he does not sound to snobby to the proles aboard.

Train travel in theory should be a pleasure. In the UK, I fear, it will never become that the choice beyond those who have no choice; it is geared towards those who have no other way, which only pushes those who have a choice to choose an option that does not make them feel like a degenerate.

Surely I do not need reminding to mind the gap every 120 seconds? And what's this you keep telling me about a heightened security risk? And why do I need to know that eleven people have broken their hips falling down these very stairs in the last 365 days? And do I really need telling that the doors are closing?

And how the hell do I get you to shut up dear Mr Tannoy Man?